the musings of this nigerian gal

Growing up feeling unloved can leave a deeply seated mark on one’s soul.

Like you have heard me write, my mom is a great lover of her children, and she taught us to love one another the same.

But it was not exactly the same with my father.

I cannot claim that he does not love us. It is just that he does not exactly show it, and he sure never says it. And this is powerful enough to sweep one’s sure footing on the ground of self esteem.

I didn’t have so much luck with friends while growing up, either.

In fact, I grew up believing that the only people who had my back, the only people worthy of my affections are my mom, my siblings and the aunts that grew up with us.

And somewhere along the way, I learned to be a master of many faces.

Hiding my true thoughts and emotions, and locking my heart and trust away.

No matter who you were, I knew you couldn’t ever love me. You couldn’t ever value me. And all your vows of eternal companionship were just lies waiting to be broken. I was just another face in the sea of faces. Easily enough forgotten.

And then I learned of God. Learned enough of him to yearn to be closer. To discover the wonder that put the smiles on the faces of his children, and an assurance in their voices as they talked of God.

For a young girl waiting for Prince Charming, it was easy to be swept away by the overwhelming presence and knowledge of God’s love. But like every broken girl, I soon let my wounds and ache come between us.

I started forgetting his unconditional arms that surrounded me when he pledged his love to me, despite what I was.

I started doubting his heart and felt that I had to earn his smiles and kisses.

I wanted to be a good lover; one that would place her hand securely in the crook of his elbow and make the other guests green with envy. I wanted to stand proud by his side and make him proud with how strong, how regal, how composed and how resourceful I was.

I didn’t understand his giving and giving and giving.

Even now, I realize that after all these years I am yet to understand.

But in receiving love, one does not ask questions such as “why me? Why would you choose me? Why gift me something so extravagant? Why forgive me? Why receive me over and over again when I yet fail you? Why wipe my tears when you are the one I have disappointed? Why…? Why…”

No, in receiving love, one ought to just receive.

For though you can’t fathom why, can not string up an appropriate reason for doing so, your lover has chosen you, deemed you worthy enough to array with his jewels, valuable enough to pledge himself to you, so much that he gives his heart freely and freely to you.

And no amount of thinking can offer you the answer you seek. Indeed, to hold yourself aloof is to do yourself, and your lover a great disservice.

Recently I asked the Lord how his every thought towards me can be filled with how to bless me. I didn’t understand how one being can only think blessings upon blessings, always and consistently. Not once did a letter change. Not once did his mind change towards me. I felt unworthy. I felt I didn’t deserve it. Why, there is nothing I have done to deserve such goodness.

He replied, “don’t you know I love you? I seek always to bless you, to settle you, to constantly exalt your horn because I am in love with you. And you have to understand that. You have to realize that the reason God will bless you is not because of anything you have done, but because he loves you. This is the underlying knowledge that should fuel every of your petitions.”

When I think of the cross, I see the craziness, the unfathomability of God’s love.

God is just, and because of that he can’t just snap his fingers and say man’s sins are forgiven. And yet, he is love. His heart breaks at the sight of his beloved perishing.

So what did he do? His love made him give himself up as the appropriate sacrifice for our sins so that his justice might be satisfied.

God pledged himself to us, not just in love but also in justice.

That is indeed the greatest love.